"being heartless is the only way" (Oscar Wilde)


manis / huephoric / twitter
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moving on
Friday, November 18, 2016
hi, i'm back . I have so many things to say actually. but don't know where to start.

Well, first of all. i baru je habis pspm . Matriks punya exam. So yea, hopefully i'll pass it with flying colours lah ekk. hmmm. Really wanna make mom and dad proud to have me as one of their daughter. Semalam dari tangkak balik muar kejap. Dapat lah luangkan masa with tok ma and tok pa . Then tadi baru balik jb . So yea alhamdulillah sampai . Cuti tiga minggu ada plan apa ? nothing much . Qada' tidur probably. hahaha. okay. Sis mudah terhibur sikit .

Bukan apa. Ni sebenarnya nak mengadu . My last post telling that i should have moved on from baemax right now. But seems like i'm not over him right now. I don't know why . It hurts me a lot . it does . I tak tipu .I don't know why i buka hati untuk crush dekat dia in the first place . I don't regret. Just wonder . I don't know if any of you pernah faced benda ni ke tak. this kind of feelings . It's just killing me . Burden me a lot . I miss him . Like a lot. I don't know what i sees in him .

Mula mula our friendship start with teammates untuk wakil bowling. But then , there you go . Keep thinking of him bila balik kolej . Cerita ni was like a year ago punya cerita . Bila balik kolej tu , it's like. im the one yang approached dia. Like, texting him . All that . Everything masih clear lagi dalam ingatan ni how i met him. How we start talking to each other. In matriks im a pdt student (two years punya student) he was in pst (one year punya student) . im in modul 1 and he was in modul 3. so memang peluang untuk jumpa or teserempak tu memang jarang .kadang kadang bila berjalan nak ke kuliah or ke tutorial class tu . mata ni lah yang melilau if ada ternampak bayang dia pun. i was like boleh happy the whole day , kadang kadang gi cari dia dekat pedang . tapi memang i usually berlari dekat trek petang petang. kalau ada rezeki . tengok dia main ragbi . he's getting more attractive bila on sports attire. lagi lagi in three quater punya seluar. i was like overwhelm gila bila nampak dia pakai sports attire. kadang kadang terserempak kat admin . he's the type yang tak tengok perempuan . so apa apa i yang tegur dia. baru dia perasan . banyak lagi yang jadi untuk my first two sem. i was so happy i met him.

he did know that i liked him. but didn't tell me that he knows . dia bagitahu masa cuti sem for semester 1 . i was like OMG !!!!! mana nak letak muka wehhh. malu nak mampus. then we went through semester 2 as a teman tapi mesra. we did confess but we have our own punya matlamat hidup . not for couple. cause masa depan kita tak tahu kita dengan siapa . so we end up . being friends. being a good friend for him pun dah makes me happy. tak terasa hati apa pun . serious . simpan perasaan tu ada . but buat apa nak hebah hebah kan. just follow the flow. acted normal . sepanjang sem 2 tu . kadang kadang i belanja dia makan. kadang kadang dia belanja makan . but kita orang tak pernah makan berdua sama samalah . just i bagi dia makanan and dia bagi i je. duduk berdua pun pernah sekali je. borak panjang sikit. tak panjang mana lah, sebab masing masing ada assignment nak buat . dia tak adalah romantic. orang nya brutal . caring caring pun in brutal way. kekadang sentap juga. tapi buat bodoh je. sebab i memang sensetep seket . hahaha. so yea. perwatakan memang berlainan gila.

so , bila habis sem dua tu . that was his last sem. i was so sad. i have to go through another 2 sem without him .

bila masuk sem 3 tu. tipu lah i said i tak nangis. for the first week. i nangis everynight. sebab everywhere i go dekat kolej tu . reminds me of him. rindu sangat rindu . tapi nak buat macam mana . start naik sem 3 tu . contact pun jarang . i was trying not to being to mengada. we pun kawan je kan. so i end up . simpan semua sendiri.  kadang kadang bila dia whatsapp tu . masa tu i directly reply. tak fikir apa dah. kadang kadang just wish goodnight . kadang borak panjang sikit. and then. that was the last time i contact dia. ada pun comment comment kat insta . reply story masing masing . i was being so positive to stay actually . tunggu dia . but until one moement........

everything seems so cruel . sampaikan i felt like, we are not meant to be together. you know why ?

it's okay lah. won't tell you . i'll keep it secret . so yea. sampaikan i dah give up. give up with guys. no more crush . i cried dekat kolej. i mengadu dekat my friend aqqim . sumpah macam heart broken gila. satu malam tu nangis. dah lah nak masuk study week . nasib mata not type yang senang bengkak . serious. wherever i go . i can cry on the spot if teringat balik. every moment dengan baemax semua teringat balik , reason untuk give up semua, macam kejam nya. why me? why now ? . i wonder. Allah nak uji kot. so yea , from now on i will just live with my fantasy. . sambung study . focus more . mana yang nak hadir tu . i'll accept them when i see their effort. kalau tak ada pun tak apa.  sounds like pasrah isn't it . but nevermind. daripada hati tersakiti lagi , so i'll end up being heartless . can i ? sure cannnnn .

i have so many things to say . but that's all for today. thankyou for reading.


layout by ellie. image from weheartit.